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This is one of the funniest sites I have read in ages. If you are not in IT or have been at the recieving end of one of these stories then you might not be laughing.


The Bastard Operator From Hell

About Last Night

I went out last night with some friends of mine for dinner. It was a really good evening. We discussed a whole range of topics, from Mr.K's sexuality to computer games and more computer games. I was lied to by the waitress. She said the chicken fillets were small, and so I asked for the main with 2 of them as stated in the menu and when they arrived there was enough to feed the starving nations of the world. But that is not the main point of the this post. Where the fun really started was me needing to release a "Blind Dirt Snake From Cak Canyon". The evening was hot and so I was sweating from the heat but the need to have a huge crap made it almost unbearable. After dinner we were walking back to the car which was conveniently parked a fair distance. This gave me time to start building up some gasses. Now, we went to the trendy part of Melbourne with lots of street cafe's and bars. People were sitting at tables on the pavement enjoying the warm evening and good food and fine wine. Then I come along and walk past them releasing a trail of dirty, foul smelling farts. I have not laughed so much in ages. I believe I may have ruined dinner for at least 50-60 people!!!! It is the simple things in life that I enjoy and letting one rip right next to someone about to take a mouthfull of food is one of the better things I have done.
The evening was topped off by driving home along Chapel Street with the windows wound down, the stereo up maximum and speakers crackling out some very bad Indian music.

So thanks ro Mr K, Mr P and Mr D for a great evening out.

BTW, Mr K & P, if so many peole at your work read this Blog then how's about some of them leaving me some comments???

ok... i have been given a music assignment to do by Cracker Snacker (link in the links section).
Being the good boy that I am, my answers are below.


MY RANDOM TOP TEN SINGLES

1. Bob the Builder - Can We Fix It
2. Gina G - Ooh, Aah Just a Little Bit
3. Whigfield - Sexy Eyes
4. Kermit the Frog - Rainbow Song
5. Bucks Fizz - Making Your Mind Up
6. Demis Roussos - Goodbye My Love, Goodbye
7. The Firm - Star Trekkin'
8 Sarah Brightman - Starship Trooper
9. Steve Vai - For The Love Of God
10. Bathory - Hammerheart

What is the total amount of music files on your computer? 600+

The last CD I bought was: Mickey & Big Tiny Little Finn - Honky Tonk Piano

The last song listened to before this message? Boney M - Brown Girl in the Ring

Write down five songs you often listen to, or that mean alot to you:
1. Joe Satriani - Always With Me, Always With You
2. Ernie - Rubber Ducky
3. Velvet Underground - I'm Sticking With You
4. Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now
5. Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back

Hi all, time for another post. Not much to say apart from the fact that lately it has been
frickin' hot. So hot, that my throat is as "Dry as a Dead Dingo's Donger" to use an ancient Australian
proverb. I have discovered that I am sweating from places I have never sweated before and trying to fart when your bum crack is full of arse vinegar is a horrific prospect as everytime I let one go it feels like I have shat myself and I gotta check my underpants.Last night was about 25 degrees which made trying to sleep very uncomfortable but help was at hand in the form of our portable evaporative air conditioner. Having that little baby at the foot of the bed blowing cool air up my legs and onto my "Meat and Two Veg" to quote an ancient British proverb was pure bliss.
Going to the toilet at home in this heat is a nightmare. The slightest bit of effort and you start to sweat so much you slide off the toilet seat. Much to Drainy's chargrin, I sit and hold onto my jobs for as long as possible, and once I have built up enough pressure to burst the Hoover dam I go in and without the need for any assistance I easily give birth to a lovely baby bottom log.

GRRRRRR....(part 2)

OK peeps. I promised you another post about the toilet habits of a species of animals called Human beings and here it is (also my last post was rubbish).There are 2 other things that really annoy me when going to the toilet and those are huge massive skid marks in the pan and a "Big Job" floating in a yellow sea of urine and topped off with a generous helping of invisible toilet paper.

First, let's do the skids. We all do it, and don't try and deny it. Sometimes, after a particularly ferocious bowl movement I stand up, and take a step back to admire my handywork. Often I think of it as art, something even Damian Hirst would be proud of. But other times I look on with horror at the foul behemoth that I have unleashed upon the world. After spending some time to take in the sight, I duly grab the brush and scrub away, knowing full well that the next movement could create another unique masterpiece. So why do other people find it so hard to clean up after themselves? It's not a frickin' art exhibition, critics from the London Times, or the New York Post are not going to come and admire your latest masterpiece. NO. The only person that will see it is me, and then I have to look at you muddy corn mix. What makes it worse is that if I am going for a wee, I get the uncontrollable urge to aim for the skid and pray to God that it releases it's hold on the porcelain and slides down into a watery grave. If I am going for plopsies, then I have to waste my time flushing and scrubbing the bowl because you have decided to leave the mundane life as an office clerk and become an artist. Dirty, dirty little bugger.

Next is the most mysterious phenomenon of all. The poo, the wee and the invisible toilet paper (or lack of!). This, not only being disgusting is also a complete mystery to me and I would dearly love to know who creates these. I find it intriguing that you don't need to wipe and am guessing that you may do something which totally abhors and that is the finger test. YES, the finger test. What that involves is dropping your guts then taking one of your clean and unprotected fingers and touchinng your bum hole with it. If it comes away clean you pull up your strides and walk away without flushing. But what if it is not clean? What do you then? Trying to work this one out is amlost like trying to figure out if the Yeti is real. We've seen some evidence but just cannot prove it either way.

There you go, not as much of a rant as last time, probably because it is around 35 outside and the heat is making me sleepy and lethargic. Hope you enjoyed this post and keep the comments coming. I love to read what people think.

Last Night

Was a good night. We had a visit from 2 very lovely people, Brother Numsy and Timbolina. They popped over to see us and we took a walk down to a restaurant and had a wonderful meal with wonderful company. We are becoming regulars at the restaurant and we always get a good table when we visit. I had the Chicken Parma and my dear Drain had the juiciest steak you I have seen for along time. This was washed down with a glass of diet Coke and some water. We then had a nice walk back home in the late evening. All in all a very enjoyable night.

I would like to dedicate this blog to the master of culinary descriptions, Madenglis. He is my inspiration for this post.

p.s. the next installment of my toilet rants will be coming soon.

GRRRRR..........

Today I am upset. Very upset. Angry even. I have just been to the toilets at work and being a small office and having a small toilet, there are 2 cubicles for the men and no urinal. So, we don't have much of a choice about which toilet to use unless I walk down to the warehouse or over to the factory. So what's the problem I hear you say? The problem is twofold.

1. Pubic hair left on the seat
2. Piss dribbled all over the floor

Let's start with the short, black and curly's. I don't want to see anyone's pubes sitting right in the middle of the seat when I walk in to a cubicle. You might think it clever to sit there twiddling with 'em, wrapping your little finger in them and then discovering one has pulled free and how amusing it would be to leave it on the seat for the next person to find. You might think that the one who discovers your little friend is going to sit and stare in awe at it, to love it and caress it and hold it forever. WRONG!! You are a dirty little bastard and you need to have your pubes forcibly ripped from your groin and shoved down your throat. Whoever you are, you disgust me.
Next we have the dribbles of piss. Once again, why? I love sliding around on the floor in your pee pee, and getting it on the soles of my shoes is just the highlight of my day. A simple tip for you, you bloody retard is look down at your pathetic excuse for a willy and if you see the floor under it, then take a step forward until there is porcelain underneath. And once you have finished you don't need to wrestle with it like you are fighting with a man eating python. A gentle shake and then you can tuck the old chap back in. It's not that hard (and I bet that's what your old lady says every night), so learn some basic toilet ettiquete.

Next time, we will discuss people who leave huge skids down the back of the pan and the mystery of the poo, the wee and the lack of toilet paper.

Hello peeps. Today has started off well and promises to be a good one. The weather is going to be a pleasant 35 (or 95 for any American's out there), with a cool change arriving late this evening. Drain and I are going to have some lovely kebabs on the BBQ this evening for dinner and I left the house this morning with a big booger hanging from my chin. Said booger got there after blowing my nose, which has become a routine for me after Drain kept on complaining that I pick my nose too much and roll it onto the carpet of her car. I never noticed the little green nose goblin, but Drain asked me what that was on my chin and nearly reached out to wipe it off but luckily held back. I took a look and behold....booger. Now, I know what you are thinking. Big greenish, yellowish sloppy joe creeping down my chin, but in fact it was small, crusty and already rolled for my convenience.

Let's see what the rest of the day has to offer.

Jumping on the band wagon.....My top 10 list

Hello peeps, feeling much better this evening for those interested.
I have noticed that top 10 lists seem to be the rage lately so I am doing one of my own.
Keeping up with the tradition of poo this is a top 10 list of different terms for poo/having a poo.

1. Back one out : The act of reverse parking your breakfast, usually involving much looking over the shoulder, sweating and grunting.
2. Blind dirt snake : A malodorous, legless lizzard inhabiting Cak Canyon, which migrates south every morning.
3. Bomb Bay Mix : A single lavatorial sitting that produces a pot-pouri of stool consistency, from copper bolts to a rusty water geyser and all points in between.
4. Brown Daisy : An unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies instead of bees.
5. Casting Churchill's Reflection : A political impression involving a porcelain bowl with water in the bottom, your arse and a bum cigar.
6. Gronk : To have a poo. "Bandits at three O'clock, ejaculated Algie. 'Great!' replied Biggles, 'I've got half an hour to have a big smelly gronk!'"
7. Mr.Brown is at the Window : To have a turtle's head. First used by Queen Victoria "Pray forgive us, Mr. Gladstone, but we cannot receive you at the moment. Mr.Brown is at the window, and we fear we may papper our kex."
8. Pace Car : Of paying a sit down visit. The slow, unaerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped-up bastards behind it to put their foot down.
9. John Wayne : To walk like Mrs.Thatcher, ie, a gait adopted after giving birth to Meatloaf's daughter. Makes the walker look like they've been sitting on a horse for three days.
10. Geetle : A bumbob. The little pointed bit that hangs outside your rusty sheriff's badge after you've had a gladys.

I am sad :-(

Hello all,

today I am feeling sad. I don't know why but I seem to have sad melancholy fall upon me. It started yesterday I think and although I was in denial when Drain asked me today I am in acceptance.
I think it may be a combination of several things, and I shall begin by listing them below.

1. I want a new car. Not even new, 2nd hand will do but as long as it is better than my rusting piece of money eating garbage. I hate the car I have, and getting in it to drive really brings me down. The seat is broken and at a crooked angle so making it the most uncomfortable hunk of crap ever, the air con is so rubbish that even on a 30 degree day the windows give better cooling. Don't even mention 40 degree days to me!!! It drinks so much fuel that If I carry on driving much longer I may be personally responsible for depleting the worlds oil reserves. It is rusty, when it rains the carpet gets wet from all the holes. I could carry on but I won't. I think you all get the picture.
2. I want more money. Drain's birthday and Valentines day are coming up and I never have enough money to buy her the things I want to buy her. I always have to settle for less because I cannot afford it and that really upsets me because Drain deserves the best. Now I know she says she is happy with what she gets, but I feel bad about it.
3. Being hassled at work by certain people. Nuff said. I think we have all been there.
4. The health and well being of certain family members. I am not going to go into detail here.
5. The bloody diet is getting on my nerves. Eating gruel is not fun anymore. I know it is good for me and if I don't do it then there is a good chance I will have a heart attack in the next 10-15 years and probably die.
   
6. I'll come back to point number 6
7. The high cost of mobile phones in Australia.
8. Why do we have to pay so much more money for some goods in Australia? Take for instance guitar accessories. I wanted to buy for my friend a guitar multi effects pedal. Here in Australia it had a RRP of $250, shops were knocking it out for $180, but I went onto ebay and bought one brand new from an online retiler located in the good 'ol USA for.........$98 Australian. Including freight, taxes and all the other magical stuff. Why the $150 loading on the RRP????? Does it cost that much to ship over? If it does then bloody well post em.
9. Grrrrrr, I am now making myself angry. But I will not go into a rant, I must not rant, I must not rant, I must not rant, I must not rant, I must not rant, I must not rant, I must not rant etc etc.

That's about it really. So you can see I am not in a very good mood at the moment. Hopefully it will pass by the time I meet Drain after work tonight and I can be the happy little bunny that I normally am.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Gone with the Wind

Well, today is the start of another glorious week. I drove in to work today with Drainbrain as her work is about 10 minutes walk from me. The drive in was an interesting one. I did a fart and as the smell started to waft around the car it smelt to me like gravy, but for some reason Drainy disagreed with me and made me open all the windows and turn the air con up to maximum. Needless to say I am disappointed by Drain's reluctance to share my life experiences.
I am still eating the gruel, and it is just becoming routine now. The feeling of constant hunger and the uncontrollable urge to break wind are getting worse than ever. But there seems to be a pattern emerging. I have a light wind during the day, but once I get home and am in Drain's presence I start to blow a full gale.
Coincidence? I'll let you decide.

More Fancy Features

Well, not content with simply adding a links section to my beloved blog, I now have a fancy tag board. You can leave me all osrts of messages and the whole world can read them without having to view individual blog comments.

I tell you what, this whole online world is sooo cool it is making me touch my gusset.

Public Notice : Help Required

Has anyone lost a small rodent, possibly dead and rotting? Because it has found it's way up my arse and called it home for the last 2 days.

I have come to the conclusion that my new diet of gruel is making the most unpleasnt odours and even I am having trouble putting up with it. Yesterday also saw the start of something alarming....my dreadnoughts have started to turn a kind of grey/green, and in the last 2 hours I have dropped my guts 3 times.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope....

Hullo there,

how are you? I am writing this blog as I am bored. I have been severly abusing the internet at work and I am having to calm myself down a bit, which is doubly hard as I am the IT guy and supposed to set an example to all the staff. But that aside I don't really know why I am typing this out. Why do I even bother with a blog? Only about 4 epole read it and 3 of them are my friends and 1 is a kind visitor who drops by every so often and I would like to return the favour but they have a rude word on their blog and so it gets blocked by the firewall and I could change the rules but then that would involve work.

Good bye.

Don't mess with a trained professional

Last night my beautiful spouse decided it would be fun to try and scare me. While I was calmly putting away the dishes which I had washed earlier, she sneaked up next to me and and banged a Tambourine I bought for her right next to my ear. Well, being trained in the ways of the martial arts and black belt in origami I let out my fearful war cry and turned to face my enemy, only at the last minute realising it was Drainy. With a swift motion I pulled back my hand that was already flying towards her and let out a rather rude expletive. I then proceeded to chastise Drainy for trying to sneak up and startle a trained killer such as myself. Were it not for my lightning reflexes and mental discipline the little woman would be in hospital right now undergoing major surgery for head trauma.

The moral of this story is don't buy a tambourine with your spare change and then give it to a naughty little girl.

Right, it is time to sort some things out.
People are taking my blog far too seriously.
We all poo, and we all wee. Fact of life(unless you have a colostomy bag(HEH HEH!!!)).

p.s. if you want to make comments on my blog please do so, but let me make comments on yours. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!! :-)

Well, Christmas has been and gone and it is now 2005 and I am proud to report that I have not had a dump since last year. Quite an achievement I think you'll agree.
Santa brought me a leopard skin G-string and I look very fetching. Also got something called a butt-plug. Still have yet to figure that one out though!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!